“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
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my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*