Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
You Might Also Like
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.