prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
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For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.