WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
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Cats are still liquid.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Ghost costume 😂