Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
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I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
There’s always that one guy