I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
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Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.