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I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Autocarrot sucks!
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
reviewed some movies recently
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.