Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
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after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.