Tell the colonel to bring it
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Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I created you as mosquito food.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand