Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
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everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills