It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
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Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
If I ignore life will it go away?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this