*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
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Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I donβt have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen βever poorβ
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large βNot Garbageβ sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and thatβs how he gets the bestest sex.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether itβs good or bad. β130 over 90β ok cool are we just saying numbers