*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
You Might Also Like
just left a huge legacy in there
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.