I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
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How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
My new favorite headline
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼