One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
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My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[loses house key, starts a new life]
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Is this you?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what