I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
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sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
fired
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
It be like that sometimes 😆