there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
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If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
A man of commitment.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.