TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
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This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
How to draw a duck
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.