ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
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Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier