[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
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[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.