Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
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“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken