My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
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I can’t stop laughing at this
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
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In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.