Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
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I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.