“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
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It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Pandas 🐼🖤
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Breaking news:
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.