One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
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“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.