marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
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I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.