Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
You Might Also Like
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING