*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
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my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich