*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
🖤✌🏽
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.