Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
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The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Growing out my freckles.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I am a gravy boat captain
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.