Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
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Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks