Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
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“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.