said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
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DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
dogs can find happiness so easily
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good