FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
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“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire