Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
You Might Also Like
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Welcome to the stomach
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
the greatest twitter interaction
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there