When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
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Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid