“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
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Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?