I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
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BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”