February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
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Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
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Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.