I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
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I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist