“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
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no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore