[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
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PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Oh we’ve met.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”