[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
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would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.