him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
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I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular