“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
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If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out