adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
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Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Good morning, Twitter x
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Sharon, call the vet
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?