Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
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I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
#ParentingFacts
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
How funny!
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!