Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
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Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
kids play hide and seek like
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.