[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
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Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.