I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
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What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth